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| The Verse from which we named Samuel |
The rest of the appointment was a blur. They spoke to us about physically miscarrying and to call them with any concerns or questions. I had worked in Labor and Delivery as a nurse for many years so I knew the drill of what physically occurs with a miscarriage and what happens if you need a D&C. At that time, I just wanted to leave and have a chance to take it all in.
When we left the doctors office and I was numb. Although I had prepared myself for this possibility after our first ultrasound, I had prayed so hard that the outcome would be different. My sweet husband embraced me and asked if I wanted to go to adoration. We went to church and sat there in front of the tabernacle together and the tears flowed out of me. I prayed for Jesus and Mary to be with me and our family, but more importantly for them to embrace our sweet baby with love.
We went home and the second we walked in the door our 5 year old shouted "Mom, how is the baby?" Trying to stay strong we gently explained that our baby had gone to heaven. I think that God gives us the sweet responses of children to help us through these difficult times, because his answer was "I think that Jesus must just really love our baby". "I think so, Buddy" I answered to him through tears.
Our 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old still do not fully understand, nor do we except them to. Our 1 1/2 year old still will kiss my tummy and say proudly "BABY" and our 3 year has started to change from saying "the baby in Mommy's tummy" to "Baby Samuel" during nightly prayers. I am not sure when and how they will fully understand what happened, but I am still so glad that we had told them about the baby. Knowing about their brother Samuel when he was in my tummy taught them love and compassion, and those are true gifts from God.
Then came the waiting to physically miscarry our Samuel. Our family and friend's support was simply amazing. From sending flowers, cards, making meals, sending well wishes and prayers, helping with our children, just sitting and being present to us, and helping with the hard tasks of finding a cemetery and planning a burial. I continued to pray that God's will be done, and even though I know Samuel had passed away it still gave me some strange comfort to know that he was inside of me, still physically a part of me.
One week after we had received the news that Samuel had passed away I started bleeding. It was a slow, long process to physically miscarry. Two days after I started spotting the intensity picked up. My mom was able to come and help with our children and I was able to try to rest when possible. It was physically painful and a time that I truly needed God's strength and grace. I passed multiple clots and had heavy bleeding, and then things would calm down again. My husband's work schedule has been crazy as an Emergency Physician, but he tried to be home as much as possible to be with myself and the children and help in any way possible.
Finally on Friday night, almost 100 hours after everything physically began I was getting ready to pray the rosary and go to bed. I had been having some slight cramping and moderate bleeding all day, but nothing like the day before where I had been passing multiple blood clots. All of a sudden though, what seemed like out of nowhere, I felt what I would describe as a heavy weight. With no pain, quietly, with our children sleeping in the rooms next to me and my husband caring for families at the Emergency Room I passed our son Samuel. Thankfully our physician had helped us understand how to save his remains for a burial.
Afterwards I stepped into our Little Oratory, fell to my knees and wept. Even though no one was physically with me at the time, I knew I was not alone. I was looking up at the foot of the cross and felt the warm embrace of Mary's love. I started praying the rosary and found it somehow comforting that it was a Friday and that I was meditating on the Sorrowful Mysteries. Focusing on the pain and suffering of Jesus dying on the cross for us truly helped me process the cross that we are carrying and the grief that I was experiencing.
The next morning I woke and started my day like I usually try to with prayers and the daily readings. The first reading for the day was from Hebrews 4:16: "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need". Thank you God, for continuing to protect me and giving me strength through this entire journey. I know that although the physical part of this journey is coming to a close, that the emotional healing will continue with time. There have been many things that have given me grace and strength, one of the most important being the prayers from each of you. May I receive God's mercy and find grace to help in this time of need.
