Samuel's Story Part #3 - God's Word Preparing Our Hearts

In this part of Samuel's story I talk about how I truly feel that God was trying to tell us his plan and prepare our hearts for this loss from early on in our pregnancy with Samuel.  If you are just joining me please start at the beginning of Samuel's story and learn about our miscarriage and celebrating Samuel finding out we were pregnant/telling our family!  Also, please continue to pray for our family during this difficult time and for all families who have lost a child.

Samuel 1:27

We started telling our family and close friends that we were pregnant soon after we found out, as we always appreciate support and prayers for our new little life.  Because I needed to go to a new doctor for insurance reasons, they wanted for me to have an early first trimester ultrasound due to my history of first trimester bleeding.  I went in for an ultrasound on December 22nd, 2014 when I was 6 weeks and 2 days according to my charting.  They started the ultrasound and I was definitely pregnant, and everything was looking great EXCEPT the baby had no heartbeat.  This can be very developmentally appropriate at a very early stage (4-5 weeks), but typically past 6 weeks you are starting to see/hear the heartbeat.  Our baby was measuring only 5 weeks 1 day, and 8 days difference is actually quite a bit at this stage.  My wonderful Catholic doctor did a great job reassuring me that I might just be off a bit on my dates and that we would do a repeat ultrasound in a few weeks just to make sure everything was alright. He did also want to prepare me that it was quite possible that this pregnancy was not progressing like it should and might end in miscarriage.

I of course was sad, worried, and questioning why God would want us to possibly carry this cross of losing a child.  I went home to tell my husband, who was watching our other three children when I was at the appointment and he embraced me in a hug.  He has the hard job that he wants to emotionally support me as my spouse, but being a physician himself he looks at all of the medical information as well.  He continued to tell me that he has great faith that there was a very good possibility that everything would be just fine.

I knew I needed a moment with God in prayer so I picked up my copy of Give Us This Day to read the daily readings and the first reading was from Samuel 1:24-28: I prayed for this child, and the Lord granted my request.  Now I, in turn, give him to the Lord."

I had read the first part of that verse many times before in the past, "I prayed for this child, and the Lord granted my request."  But I had never really continued the Bible story of Hannah and Samuel in that "Now I, in turn, give him to the Lord" when Hannah literally left her son in the Temple for the Lord.  It made me so instantly aware that God entrusts us with these gifts of children while we are living on Earth but that ultimately we are all HIS.  God has entrusted my husband and I with four little lives so far, but their plan and purpose are in HIS hands.  I have prayed deeply for this child, for all of our children, but I know that I need to place my trust in Him with all of their lives.

Almost ironically as well the Gospel from that Day was from Luke 1:46-56 which is from the Magnificat, one of my favorite prayers. "My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my savior, for he has looked upon his lowly servant.  From this day all generations will call me blessed.  The Almighty has done great things for me, and holy is his Name". 

In the Magnificat, Mary is talking about the blessing of being chosen to be the mother for the Savior and praising and rejoicing in the greatness of God.  It truly helps me understand that even through the pain of our miscarriage with Samuel that I need to praise God for entrusting my husband and I with another precious gift of life, even for a short time.  I have truly realized that part of practicing Natural Family Planning is not only being open to life, but also being open to the possibility of death.  It is being open to God's plan.  I also need to rejoice in the fact that Samuel is now in heaven with God.

This verse and experience after our first appointment is also how we decided to name our baby Samuel.  It is hard with an early loss, before they have identified the gender to know if your baby is a girl or boy.  We prayed about our baby and we truly think God had sent us another son and given us this verse to read on this particular day for our own little Samuel. 

Our dear Samuel, we have prayed for you,

and the Lord granted our request. 

Now, we in turn give you to the Lord.