Grief is something difficult for everyone, but the path to healing can be a great and powerful one. Losing a child and
going through a miscarriage is by far the hardest thing that I have gone through in my life so far, and I cannot believe that it has been a month since
we received the news that Samuel had passed away. The amazing thing about grief is that God is ALWAYS with us carrying us through. Here are a few things that have really helped us heal during and after the
loss of our baby Samuel. I hope that if you have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage or if you have a friend or family member who you are supporting through grief that you are able to use these ideas or resources to help on the path to healing.
"You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb.
I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;
wonderful are your works!
My very self you know. My bones are not hidden from you.
When I was being made in secret, fashioned in the depths of the earth
Your eyes saw me unformed; in your book all are written down;
My days were shaped, before one came to be"
Psalm 139:13-16
Prayer:
In attempts to bring the liturgical year into our home, and teaching our children about the faith with
homeschooling, prayer has truly become more of an active part of our daily lives. We have started praying the Morning Offering, The Angelicas, a Decade of the Rosary, and prayers before and after meals and at bedtime together as a family. I also try to fit in my personal prayer time and prayer time with my spouse where I read the daily readings, read a faith filled reflection book and discuss personal intentions and prayers.
One thing that has really changed after our loss of Samuel is the
deepening of a personal relationship with God in my life. I find myself talking to Jesus, Mary and the Saints more throughout this journey and during my day. I am asking for their strength, guidance, and support. I am asking them to help me understand, to guide me through our grief and to help me trust in God's plan. Most of all I am asking them to smother our sweet Samuel in love and kisses in my absence until the day that I am reunited with him in Heaven.
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| A Memorial Rosary for Samuel from Friends |
The Love and Support of Family and Friends:
The night that we found out that Samuel had passed away my husband unfortunately had to go to work. He was asked to teach a course called "Healer's Art" for medical students at the hospital where he works where they learn about the "art" of healing beyond just medicine. Ironically, the first class that he was asked to teach is all about Grief and Loss. Thank you God for my husband, and for allowing him to be your servant and pass your love and strength to others. He came home a little bit late, and I was reading our son's their bedtime storybooks. He came in their room to hand me a little box with a beautiful ring inside. It was a Peridot ring, which is the August birthstone, the month of Samuel's due date. It was
my birthday the next day, so I was assuming that this kind gesture was my birthday gift, but he said "No, I just wanted something special for you to be able to always wear to remember our baby".
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| The beautiful gift from my husband with August birthstones for Samuel's due date |
The kind gestures and prayers continued to come, and I have never felt others prayers so deeply in my life. One of my dearest friends who has experienced multiple miscarriages herself sent me these sweet flowers that I can later plant in our garden to always remember Samuel. They are so cheerful, that they cannot help but make me smile. The best part was her kind message "Psalm 116:15: Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his Saints. Someday we will be greeted in heaven by the little ones we have lost. Praying for you."
The support continued with meals from family, friends and our community homeschool co-op. That little act of kindness helps so much to not have to focus on that one crazy part of our day. My mother in law would start every day with a sweet text message, just telling me that I was in her prayers and that she was thinking of us. Just that small gesture really helped me to understand that I was not alone. My brother in law sent flowers and my parents would come and watch and play with our children so that I had time to rest or at times when I need some extra help. We received cards with kind words and so many prayers.
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| A beautiful angel figurine from my in-laws |
My father-in-law came over to our home one night, even though my husband was working, he came over simply because he wanted to give me a hug and be with me. My father -in -law never had any daughters of his own and I know that through the years that I have truly become like a daughter to him. We did not talk much about the loss of Samuel, but I knew we did not need to; he came to love and protect me in the most generous way and sometimes those actions speak louder than any words. This community of family and friends truly helped our family heal from our loss of Samuel.
Naming Our Baby:
I had read in many books about the importance of naming your baby, even if you did not know the gender. I think that out of all of the ways that have lead me to healing that this may have been the most important piece. By our baby having a name, Samuel Nicholas, I can pray and talk to our Samuel in a very intimate way. Please read my previous posts
HERE and
HERE about how we decided on his name. Even if you lost a baby years ago and did not name him or her, do not be afraid to pray about naming your baby now.
Reading/Journaling/Writing:
Another dear friend of mine gave me a copy of
Consoling the Heart of Jesus, when she stopped by one evening to bring our family dinner. She herself had also experienced the loss of two children by miscarriage and she explained that during her journey she could heal the most when taking time to deepen her relationship with Jesus. See what I mean about this amazing community supporting us in prayer and love? I have started reading this do-it-yourself retreat, but was also thrilled when our homeschool group had
a personal day retreat with mass, confession, adoration and some much needed alone time where I was able to delve into the book more deeply.
Journaling and writing has also provided me much healing in this journey. I had been considering starting a blog for the past few years and always found excuses why to not start. It is amazing to really understand how big God's plan is. Right when I started my blog
Children of the Church back in November 2014 is exactly when I got pregnant with Samuel. I now feel that God always knew that this loss was going to be a part of our story and that he wanted to give me the strength to have an outlet for my own emotions and to hopefully be a support to other women experiencing the same kind of grief and loss.
The amount of support that I have experienced from sharing Samuel's story through my blog has been amazing. The people who have reached out to pray with me, who tell me about their stories of losses and who ask questions is forming such a wonderful community. Writing down these events is also such a special way to know that I will always remember these important moments of our life story with our precious baby.
Talking to our Children:
Helping our children understand about the death of their brother I thought was going to be one of the hardest parts of healing, but it has actually been one of the best parts. The amazing faith of our children has truly helped protect and join together the hearts of our whole family. They pray to their brother Samuel every night during bedtime prayers and our oldest son (who is 5 years old), will ask a lot of good questions about Samuel and about him being in Heaven.
I think what has been such a gift to our family is that our children
love to always learn about Saints, or as they call them "Jesus's Super Heros!" They love to know that their brother Samuel is now a Saint up in heaven and that they can pray to him and talk to him any time that they want. I love this article "
Why Our Babies Aren't Angels and Why it Matters" and how it explains why we believe our babies are Saints in Heaven.
Another dear friend gave our family this adorable Saint Peg Doll of St Catherine of Siena at our Bible Study after our miscarriage. We love all of our
Saint Peg Dolls and I know this one will always be special to us! St Catherine is the patron saint of miscarriages and it was such a sweet gesture to help us remember that we have an army of Saints to care for us and guide us through life's struggles.
Keeping Special Memories:
Even though we lost Samuel during our first trimester of pregnancy and did not have any physical time with him here on Earth, we want to remember the time that he was apart of our family. I knew that I wanted to create a little space for him in
Our Little Oratory, so that during our time of prayer we could remember and pray to
Our Little Saint. We had made a photo collage that we gave to our family members to announce his pregnancy that we keep displayed in our home, as well as the shoes that St Nicholas put out for our children on his feast day to let them know that they had a little baby joining the family.
I also always make a pregnancy/baby book for each of our children and wanted to make sure that I made one for Samuel. I found the sweetest memory book called
In the Company of Angels that is specifically a memory book for families who experience miscarriage or stillbirth. It is a beautiful way for us to remember Samuel. I made a sweet pottery cross with Samuel's name, the
day after we found out about his death and we got a statue of a little baby boy resting in the palm of God's hands. These small reminders help me think about and pray to Samuel on a daily basis.
Having a Burial/Prayer Service:
This has been the most difficult part in the healing process so far, but I know that in the long run it will be the most important. First of all, our wonderful Catholic physician understood and respected from the beginning that we wanted a burial and helped us understand how to collect and keep our babies remains. Also, there is a
Catholic Cemetery here in our town has a lovely section just for babies lost by miscarriage called the Serenity Baby Garden. Even before I physically miscarried, once we had found out that Samuel had passed away we had called and arranged for Samuel's burial. It was very helpful to me emotionally to know that this was taken care of from the very beginning All those who we spoke to and worked with were so respectful and helpful during this difficult time. I have always been pro-life, but it has taken on a whole new meaning to realize that I am pro-life in both life and death.
We will have the burial later this month and then be able to place a marker with Samuel's name at the cemetery this spring so that we are always able to go visit him there. The cemetery also gave us the most beautiful gift, which is a stone with rock from the Holy Land that is carved in the shape of an angel with a heart. The piece of rock with the heart will be physically buried with Samuel and then we will keep the piece of the Angel forever with us. It is so special to know that we have something physical that is also physically with our baby forever.
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| Rock Angel from the Holy Land that we will bury the heart piece with Samuel |
Elizabeth Ministry International is a wonderful organization that helps provide many resources for family who have lost a child through miscarriage. They provide burial vessels, hand made burial gowns and many other resources.
The
Church of the Holy Innocents in New York City has a Book of Life, in which you can have your child's name inscribed in. Then on the first Monday of every month Mass is celebrated in honor of the children listed in the book and for the comfort of their families. They also have a candle always lit in their memory and send you a Certificate of Life in honor of your child. We entered Samuel in the Book of Life, and we know that it will always be a treasured gift to our family.
Celebrating Important Dates:
I know that another special part about healing will be to celebrate important dates for our baby. Samuel's due date on the Assumption of Mary in August,
the date that we found out that we were pregnant, the date that we found out that
Samuel went to heaven, the time that we physically miscarried and the day of his burial are all important for our family to remember. I hope that we can find special ways to remember him and show our love for him, especially during those times.
These are just a few resources that have helped us on our journey after the loss of Samuel. I know that this journey will continue and I'm sure that I will continue to grieve and heal as time goes on. The one thing I do know is that this experience has brought me closer to Heaven and given me such purpose to help each member of our family get to Heaven so that one day we are all reunited together as a family. Thank you for your continued prayers and know that I am praying for all of you who have experienced the loss of a child or someone who you love.
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
1 Peter 5:10-12
Have you found any other resources to help your own family or other families in your community through the loss of a child? How can we help each other find true healing and the support we all need?
