Learning to Love - 5 Love Languages

One thing that comes up a lot in conversations during this time of the year is spending time with family.  There are lots of different types of families, and lots of people coming together to blend, love and support each other.  Sometimes that brings great joy and sometimes that brings a lot of struggles!  I told my mother - in - law at Thanksgiving that this was the first holiday celebration since I got married back in 2007 that I was not kind of sad that we were not celebrating with my own family of orgin.  It certainly was not because I like my family less than I did before, because my family is a wonderful blessing in my life!  It is more that I have come to enrich my relationships with my in-laws and appreciate them as family, just like my own!  I think especially during this time of year with so many celebrations that it is a wonderful time to focus on family and strengthening our relationships.


My family at Thanksgiving

One book that has really helped me personally in my relationships with others is called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  In his book he talks about how we all speak different love languages including: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.  Take the time to go to The 5 Love Languages website to take the quiz and learn what your love languages are!

It is not better or worse to have and use a different love language, it just makes us all different and unique.  The most important thing when interacting with others is not only knowing what your own personal love language is but also what the love language is of the other person.  So often we try to love others with the same love language that we use most for ourselves and that is often when conflict can arise.  It is not because we are not trying to love that person, it is just they may not be receiving it as the love you are intending!  Also, sometimes our love languages can change with time, so always make sure to continue examine these for yourself and continue the conversation with those you love!

Let me give you an example!  My top two love languages are words of affirmation and acts of service.  Early on in my marriage I would try to love my husband by telling him nice things and doing nice things for him.  That is how I like to receive love, so why wouldn't he want that as well, I thought!  He would appreciate when I would compliment him or make him a special dinner, but it wouldn't usually get the response that I would expect, and I would get disappointed.  Then he and I read this book and learned our love languages and things changed.  I realized that his love language is physical touch and making sure to give him a loving embrace when he gets home from work or giving him a back rub after a long day is totally the way that he feels most loved by me!  In turn he has realized that he can give me a hug (which I like), but since my first love language is not physical touch that I will feel much more loved when he does something as simply as making our bed in the morning!  Being a stay at home mom with three little kids I make a lot of beds, by him doing that act of service in the morning I know that he is thinking of me and trying to take one thing off my list for the day.  I appreciate it so much and feel SO loved!

This can definitely extend beyond a spousal relationship to relationships with your children, extended family and friends.  Gary Chapman also wrote this great book about the 5 Love Languages of Children!  One thing I have learned in having three children is that they all have very different personalities and I do best when I parent them all in ways that show kindness and empathy to their own personalities.  Our oldest son appreciates words of affirmation and loves to hear praise and know that he is doing a good job, especially when it comes to homeschooling!  Our middle son is like his daddy and his love language is physical touch.  When he gets mad or upset he isn't the child to try to rationalize with or explain a lesson right away, instead he needs to cuddle, get a back rub or kisses.  If I would try to just talk to him with words of affirmation he would probably get more upset in the moment, he doesn't want words, he just wants to cuddle!  Our youngest son is all about quality time, he doesn't mind if I'm singing to him, playing, cuddling, or reading stories as long as we are together!  When he's in a bad mood I know I need to just spend a little extra time giving him a little more of me!  It's all about understanding those love languages!

So, as you celebrate the holidays with your spouse, children, family and friends please pick up this book, or go to the website and learn about the love languages of yourself and others!  As it says in 1 Peter 4:8; "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over all."